Gentle Parenting vs. Positive Parenting

Parenting philosophies shape how we raise our children. One of these, gentle parenting, has recently been gaining attention. Initiated by Sarah Ockwell-Smith, this philosophy revolves around four fundamental elements: empathy for your child’s feelings, respect for your child as an individual, understanding your child through careful questioning and listening, and setting boundaries on their behaviour. In this exploration, we examine the essence of gentle parenting, consider its potential drawbacks, and compare it to the contrasting positive parenting style.

The 4 basic elements of Gentle Parenting:

1. Empathy for Your Child’s Feelings
   - Understanding and acknowledging the emotions your child experiences.

2. Respect for Your Child as an Individual
   - Recognising and valuing the uniqueness of each child.

3. Understanding Your Child Through Careful Questioning and Listening:
   - Engaging in open communication by asking questions and actively listening to your child.

4. Setting Boundaries on Their Behaviour
   - Establishing limits and guidelines for behaviour without resorting to shame,

   blame, or punishment.

The Gentle Parenting Approach:

Proponents of gentle parenting assert that the reason children ‘act out’ is because they feel stressed or threatened in some way. Thus, a parent’s job is to understand why their child feels threatened and then to resolve their anxiety so that they choose to adjust their behaviour without the need for threats or penalties.

Furthermore, advocates of gentle parenting emphasise that this process – exploring and resolving a child’s anxiety - should take precedence over everything else, including a parent’s other priorities, however, pressing these may be.

Practical Challenges:

Critics argue that the emphasis on prioritising resolution may not always be practical for busy parents with competing demands on their time. The question arises: can gentle parenting be both desirable and achievable in the real world?

Respecting Others in Gentle Parenting:

While gentle parenting emphasises respect and empathy, a potential drawback is its focus on the individual child, possibly neglecting the importance of the child respecting others. This approach may inadvertently promote the belief that the child’s needs automatically precede those of others.

For instance, in situations where a child has harmed a sibling, the gentle parenting approach seems to prioritise understanding the perpetrator’s perspective over addressing the victim’s pain. This may lead to a skewed understanding, potentially fostering a lack of empathy and respect for others.

Potential Pitfalls:

The risk inherent in gentle parenting is that it may inadvertently nurture selfishness in children. By overemphasising a child’s feelings and under-correcting unacceptable behaviour, the approach may hinder the development of crucial character traits such as empathy, respect for others, and maturity.

Contrasting Positive Parenting:

A significant distinction between gentle and positive parenting lies in their interpretation of the causes of misbehaviour. While gentle parenting attributes misbehaviour to anxiety, positive parenting recognises attention-seeking and natural boundary-pushing as additional reasons. Positive parenting acknowledges that children may misbehave not only due to distress but also to gain attention or express frustration.

Discipline as a Fundamental Difference:

Positive parenting advocates using reliable, consistent, fair, and compassionate discipline when persuasion or discussion fails to produce the desired result. Positive parenting recognises the importance of empathy and understanding between parent and child but, unlike gentle parenting, it also emphasises the importance of enforcing boundaries through discipline and balancing tolerance with the need for limits.

The Role of Boundaries in Childhood Development:

Acknowledging that children naturally push boundaries as part of their development, both gentle and positive parenting agree on the significance of boundaries. However, a key difference lies in the enforcement of these boundaries. Positive parents understand the necessity of disciplinary measures when children won't comply willingly, fostering a balance between understanding and accountability.

Empowering Children through Consequences:

But and this is important, positive parenting emphasises that it is the child not the parent who decides the consequences of their misbehaviour, and whether disciplinary action is part of this. A child always has the option of apologising and then doing what they are asked, in which case that is the end of the matter. However, if they persist with unacceptable conduct then it is they, not their parent, who is choosing a previously discussed consequence such as ‘time out’.

This empowers children to take responsibility for their actions, fostering a sense of accountability and maturity.

Preparing for Adult Success:

Our goal is to prepare children for success and happiness in adulthood. Positive parenting places a strong emphasis on character development, cultivating qualities such as grace, empathy, respect for others, maturity, and resilience—essential attributes for becoming well-rounded, fulfilled adults.

In conclusion, parenting styles play a pivotal role in shaping the future of our children. While gentle parenting advocates empathy and understanding, it’s crucial to consider the potential pitfalls and compare them with alternative approaches like positive parenting. Striking a balance between nurturing a child’s individuality and instilling a sense of responsibility and empathy towards others is the key to raising emotionally intelligent and resilient individuals.

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